A week in the sheets

On fathers day  last Sunday I came to my parents house to spend time with my father and the rest of my family.

It was wonderful watching my dad and Penelope play with each other with no time crunch.  My dad is always working.  Even on his days off he spends at least two hours working.  Luckily on fathers day he didn't have to.  He said he did exactly what he wanted, he spent time with his kids and grandchildren and ate some delicious food!  My mom makes some great lasagna by the way.

Anyway, about half way through my visit I started feeling a little sore.  I had made a lot of progress in the few days prior with my back/leg/hip but I could tell that my progress was going to stop right then and there.  Within an hour I was in agony.  I could not walk, I could not stand, I could not sit.  It was almost impossible to find a comfortable position while laying down.  I was trying so hard to stifle my tears so that I wouldn't scare Ethan.  He is a typical boy and is extremely protective of his mother, it makes me feel especially important.  My mother told me I should probably stay the night so that she could take care of me.

I have been here since.  I literally have not moved except to go to get another injection into my back this morning.  My husband has stayed over a few nights with Penelope so that I could be a somewhat mother this week.  I have exhausted my mother because I am incapable of doing anything by myself.  She does everything from preparing my meals to helping me put my underwear on after a chaperoned shower.

I have taken enough pain killers this week to kill a large animal and I am now also taking oral steroids which always help but the downside is that they make me swell like a blow fish.  I am planning on seeing a spinal doctor and a neurologist next week.  I just want to get to the bottom of this thing and figure out what is wrong because so far there has been no treatment that has worked.  It has been a long 2 years.

There have been some positive things that have come out of the week.  The first being that my husband bought me a super cute small and blue computer for my 25th birthday.  I don't do much with a computer other than fix photos and browse the Internet.  All the new fancy computers just seemed too fancy.  My miniature 10 inch net book is a perfect match for me.

The best thing that has come out of the week is that I have been able to spend a ton of time with my son, Ethan.  It's not that I never get to see him but it's rare for us to spend time where it's just the two of us like it used to be.  He is so smart and hilarious and he is exceptionally good at the game Angry Birds.  The other day he was in my room pretending to hula dance.

I can't wait until I can walk again so I can take my kids on a picnic and make my husband dinner.

Another almost failed attempt

I have 7 posts that I never finished.  I start writing and I want to say all these nice things but they just seem artificial.  So I go on to click save and never have enough motivation to come back to them.  I guess I just need to stop pretending that I am feeling so wonderful because the truth is that I'm not.  Paradise currently isn't so sunny.  In fact it fucking sucks. (excuse my French)

I've been dealing with a horrible reoccurring pain for just about  two years now.  It pretty much involves my lower back and left hip area.  I could probably learn to live with it if it stopped there but of course it does not.  I have the most painful, knife stabbing, electric current sciatica that starts at my buttocks and runs down my left leg.  I've been in and out of the hospital since giving birth to Penny in February.  There have been MRIs, I've had 3 steroid injections since then, have taken oral steroids and watched my face and body blow up, I've been on bed rest, and I'm taking a handful of hydromorphone a day which doesn't even do much for me anymore.  I just can't take it anymore.  I can't take care of my husband or my kids the way I want to and I'm not seeing any relief from anything the doctors do.  I just don't see an end to it and I'm not very hopeful that it will get resolved in the future.  It is just so painful I can't even put it into words.

And the fact of the matter is that it's affecting my marriage, and my relationship with my family and children.  I guess I just need to continuously count my blessings because right now I don't have much else going for me.