Baby Howls

Penny is really starting to show her own little personality these days.  Now that she is mobile and is able to sit up on her own her entire life has changed.  She is interested in details.  She spends hours a day just touching things- the brittle carpet, daddy's baby soft hair, the smooth surface on the tray of her highchair.  She just strokes and strokes virtually every new thing that comes her way and you can see her brain working.  I imagine she is most likely cataloging all these new items into the library in her head.  She also has a distinctive laugh, we refer to it as "Penny's Famous Laugh" or "The Howl".  The best way I can describe it is to say that she literally howls.  It is the most adorable thing and she has been doing it since she was about a month and a half old and first started laughing.  I pray she never outgrows it because every time I hear that precious little girl howling I know she is happy, and what is better than the ability to hear your child's delight in such a unique way?

I love her.

First Day of School Eve

Ethan starts first grade tomorrow. Where has the time gone? I feel like just yesterday I was welcoming my little angel into the world. I will never forget the first moment I saw him because it was the most joyful and life changing moment of my life. Its not that having Penelope was any less amazing, but I never knew true love until he looked up at me with those big bright eyes. I think about that moment every time he looks at me now. Ethan saved my life and for that I am eternally grateful to him. He is such a special boy and I am not just saying that because I am his mother. He is insanely smart, funny, has a limitless imagination, he has been able to feel and express empathy since he was practically still a baby, and he is beautiful. I am certain that he is destined for greatness and I am so excited to watch him develop and one day reach that greatness. Everyday I have been given to spend with him is a gift. What more could I possibly want out of life?

30 pounds too many

I am at the end of my rope.

I have been saying this for months but I haven't really done much about it.  I am tired of being overweight.  I don't feel happy, I don't feel healthy, and I certainly don't feel like myself.  I want to be in control again because I feel like it is currently not even in my reach.  It has been hard to keep weight off because first of all I am on limited physical activity due to my pathetic back.  Second, I am extremely bored during the day and to fill the void I eat.  All day.  It is completely unlike me but I've been obsessed with ice cream lately.  I have never had this problem and before this last pregnancy I didn't even have the slightest bit of a sweet tooth.  I liked chocolate when I was about to start my period but that was literally the only time I wanted a decadent dessert.  These days I am constantly piling two scoops of the most ridiculous flavors of ice cream on a cone.  A CONE.  Only people who eat way too much ice cream purchase cones from the grocery store.  Whether its smores, drumstick(this one is amazing), double fudge brownie, rocky road, coconut pineapple, plain old chocolate, half-baked, chunky monkey, or new york super fudge chunk flavor I am on it as soon as I feel like it is a decent time of the day to be eating dessert.  Some alcoholics try to wait until noon to have a drink so they can convince themselves like they have the slightest bit of control.  Ice creamaholics (like myself) do the same.

I need to get a handle on these unhealthy habits because I am only hurting myself.  I've been teetering between 160 and 165 for months.  I am hoping to be under 160 in a week.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

A week in the sheets

On fathers day  last Sunday I came to my parents house to spend time with my father and the rest of my family.

It was wonderful watching my dad and Penelope play with each other with no time crunch.  My dad is always working.  Even on his days off he spends at least two hours working.  Luckily on fathers day he didn't have to.  He said he did exactly what he wanted, he spent time with his kids and grandchildren and ate some delicious food!  My mom makes some great lasagna by the way.

Anyway, about half way through my visit I started feeling a little sore.  I had made a lot of progress in the few days prior with my back/leg/hip but I could tell that my progress was going to stop right then and there.  Within an hour I was in agony.  I could not walk, I could not stand, I could not sit.  It was almost impossible to find a comfortable position while laying down.  I was trying so hard to stifle my tears so that I wouldn't scare Ethan.  He is a typical boy and is extremely protective of his mother, it makes me feel especially important.  My mother told me I should probably stay the night so that she could take care of me.

I have been here since.  I literally have not moved except to go to get another injection into my back this morning.  My husband has stayed over a few nights with Penelope so that I could be a somewhat mother this week.  I have exhausted my mother because I am incapable of doing anything by myself.  She does everything from preparing my meals to helping me put my underwear on after a chaperoned shower.

I have taken enough pain killers this week to kill a large animal and I am now also taking oral steroids which always help but the downside is that they make me swell like a blow fish.  I am planning on seeing a spinal doctor and a neurologist next week.  I just want to get to the bottom of this thing and figure out what is wrong because so far there has been no treatment that has worked.  It has been a long 2 years.

There have been some positive things that have come out of the week.  The first being that my husband bought me a super cute small and blue computer for my 25th birthday.  I don't do much with a computer other than fix photos and browse the Internet.  All the new fancy computers just seemed too fancy.  My miniature 10 inch net book is a perfect match for me.

The best thing that has come out of the week is that I have been able to spend a ton of time with my son, Ethan.  It's not that I never get to see him but it's rare for us to spend time where it's just the two of us like it used to be.  He is so smart and hilarious and he is exceptionally good at the game Angry Birds.  The other day he was in my room pretending to hula dance.

I can't wait until I can walk again so I can take my kids on a picnic and make my husband dinner.

Another almost failed attempt

I have 7 posts that I never finished.  I start writing and I want to say all these nice things but they just seem artificial.  So I go on to click save and never have enough motivation to come back to them.  I guess I just need to stop pretending that I am feeling so wonderful because the truth is that I'm not.  Paradise currently isn't so sunny.  In fact it fucking sucks. (excuse my French)

I've been dealing with a horrible reoccurring pain for just about  two years now.  It pretty much involves my lower back and left hip area.  I could probably learn to live with it if it stopped there but of course it does not.  I have the most painful, knife stabbing, electric current sciatica that starts at my buttocks and runs down my left leg.  I've been in and out of the hospital since giving birth to Penny in February.  There have been MRIs, I've had 3 steroid injections since then, have taken oral steroids and watched my face and body blow up, I've been on bed rest, and I'm taking a handful of hydromorphone a day which doesn't even do much for me anymore.  I just can't take it anymore.  I can't take care of my husband or my kids the way I want to and I'm not seeing any relief from anything the doctors do.  I just don't see an end to it and I'm not very hopeful that it will get resolved in the future.  It is just so painful I can't even put it into words.

And the fact of the matter is that it's affecting my marriage, and my relationship with my family and children.  I guess I just need to continuously count my blessings because right now I don't have much else going for me.

no words because it does not matter

There really are no words to describe what I feel right now.  It is not anger, jealousy, nor disappointment.  I guess I just finally came to the realization that some of the people I had always held the closest to my heart just don't deserve that spot.  And although this realization should be devastating, it isn't.  I think that I've known it for awhile but didn't want to acknowledge it or accept it.

I've never been so content with life.  I have two beautiful and amazing children, I have found my life partner and every moment is a new adventure.  Each day makes me wiser and these things that were once so important to me just don't matter.  Could it be true?  Have I finally grown up?

Miss Penelope Mae

Penelope will  be 3 months old on May 3rd.  She is currently interested in spongebob, ceiling fans, and our two boston terriers Ruby and Lucy.  She laughs at almost everything and rarely cries.  We are still managing her reflux which seemed to  be getting better but is back with a vengeance.  She uses formula for spit up (she projectile vomited breast milk for almost 2 months) and we do a lot of laundry.  Her head control is excellent and she is trying really hard to roll over.  She has almost got it, just has to learn to tuck her arm in under her!